I'm Kinda Like The Co Prince of Denmark
by young for eternity
Summary: This is a really really silly story I wrote in AP English during our Hamlet unit to boost my grade. It worked. So I thought you guys would like to read it while I work on my other and more successful story, How To Boost Your Ratings...


**Hey guys. I know I should be writing **_**How to Successfully Boost Your Ratings**_**, but I was cleaning off my computer and I found this document that I wrote for AP English during the Hamlet unit to try and boost my English grade to an A. I came close – a 92, which is a B in my school. I assigned everyone in the Office a role in Hamlet, then wrote one scene from one act. So I thought I'd post it for you guys to tide you over until Chapter 7 for **_**How To Boost…**_** is up. I'm working on it!**

**ACT I**

**THE SCENARIO**: Jim is Hamlet, Michael is Horatio, and Dwight is Marcellus. Jim has just seen the ghost of his father and has discovered that his uncle has killed his father.

JIM: (Comes out of the forest and literally runs into Dwight and Michael) So, I just saw the ghost of my father. _That_ was really insane.

DWIGHT: (Concerned) Are you OK? Did the ghost hurt you?

JIM: (Out of breath) No.

DWIGHT: Did you feel like you had an out-of-body experience?

JIM: Well, actually… yeah.

DWIGHT: Did you not feel like yourself?

JIM: (Going along with it) Yeah!

DWIGHT: Jim, I think that the ghost possessed your body and I have to perform an exorcism.

JIM: No, it's OK. I just told the ghost to leave and he did.

_It goes to the interview._

DWIGHT: I have excellent skills in the art of exorcism. I've seen _The Exorcist_ about one hundred times and I think I got the skills down pat. (Pause) Haven't had a chance to try them out yet.

_It cuts back to the forest._

MICHAEL: You thought the ghost did _what_?

DWIGHT: (Repeats) Took over Jim's body.

MICHAEL: (Cracks a smile) That's what she said!

DWIGHT: That's what who said? Was the ghost a girl?

MICHAEL: No, Dwight, it was—God, why do you have to ruin every joke I make? You, you… joke-ruiner!

GHOST: (Bellows) SWEAR!

JIM: (To sky) Swear what?

MICHAEL: Who are you talking to, Jim?

JIM: Didn't you hear it?

DWIGHT: Hear what?

GHOST: (Bellows again) SWEAR!!

JIM: That! Didn't you hear it? "Swear!"

DWIGHT: Swear? Swear what?

JIM: That's what I said. (Holds hand out) Look, let's just swear so the spirit of my dead father can stop yelling at me. He's dead and I'm still getting yelled at.

DWIGHT: Forget it. (Starts walking away)

JIM: No, Dwight! You just can't walk away!

DWIGHT: And why not?

GHOST: (Bellows) MAKE HIM SWEAR!

JIM: Because the ghost told me to. And you don't want to anger the ghost. He'll haunt you and ruin the beet crops.

MICHAEL: I'll do it. (Puts hand out)

DWIGHT: (Puts his hand on top of Michael's) I swear, Michael!

MICHAEL: (Under breath) Yeah, you would, you little suck-up. (Louder) What are we swearing?

JIM: Uh, that nothing we heard or saw here tonight can be found out. Ever.

MICHAEL: (Adds) And to be best friends forever.

DWIGHT: (Pumps fist in air) All right!

JIM: (Monotonously) OK, whatever. Woo. Girl Scouts dismissed.

DWIGHT: We are not Girl Scouts, Jim! (To Michael) You know what, Michael? You and Jim are best friends. And you and I are best friends. So… I could kind of be like a co-Prince of Denmark.

MICHAEL: No. No you're definitely not a co-prince.

DWIGHT: An assistant prince?

MICHAEL: More like Assistant to the Prince of Denmark. (Walks away)

DWIGHT: Something's rotten in the state of Pennsylvania.

**ACT II**

**THE SCENARIO**: Gertrude (Jan) is telling Rosencrantz (Ryan) and Guildenstern (Toby) to hang out with Hamlet (Jim) to see if he's really crazy.

JAN: OK you two. Obviously, Jim has gone crazy. I thought that since you two are around him all the time that maybe you could hang out with him a little and tell me if there's any change in him.

TOBY: Well…

JAN: Well, what?

RYAN: We hang out with Jim, just not all the time. He's not a dumb guy; he might catch on.

TOBY: Yeah, why don't you ask Pam to do it? She hangs out with Jim more than Ryan and I combined.

JAN: She wouldn't do it.

RYAN: Well, why should we?

JAN: (Thinks for a minute) Because I'll give you both raises.

TOBY: Hey Ryan, let's go see what Jim's up to, shall we?

RYAN: Oh most definitely.

_[Author's note: I apologize for that horrendous excuse of an act. It was mainly a filler act. Act IV probably would have been too, so that's why there is no Act IV._

**ACT III**

**THE SCENARIO**: Hamlet (Jim) is giving his "To be or not to be" speech. Ophelia (Pam) comes in later to give him back the tokens of love he gave her by Claudius's orders.

_Jim walks into the master ballroom and sits down. The camera is there and he notices it._

JIM: You're probably wondering what I'm thinking about, huh? Well, I'll tell you. Um, my uncle has murdered my dad; at least that's what I think. My uncle has now married my mother, so I'm confused to call my uncle "Dad" and my mom "Aunt Gertie." Um, Ryan and Toby have been hanging around me, which is weird, considering we don't really hang out all that much… and I haven't been able to talk to Pam for a while. So what I want to know is… to be or not to be; that is the question. (When the cameraman doesn't react.) Um, I'm contemplating whether or not to kill myself because what I'm going through right now… it kind of sucks. But if I kill myself, it's like going to sleep for a really long time. When we sleep, we dream, so if I kill myself, I'm pretty sure I'm not getting into Heaven, so that would kind of stink. But if I kill myself and there is no Heaven, then I'm dead. And that's just not cool. So, what to do? To be or not to be?

_Enter Pam._

PAM: Hey, Jim.

JIM: (Sees Pam and smiles) Hey! (Walks up to her and sees all the box of stuff in her hands) What, you moving, Beesly?

PAM: Um… this is going to be awkward but… I think you should have this stuff back. (Hands box to him)

JIM: (Starts going through it) Wait, this is all stuff I got you. Like the teapot for Christmas a couple of years ago… and the yogurt lids from the Office Olympics… and the t-shirt from the run for Meredith? Pam, what's going on?

PAM: Um… I just think you should have all this stuff back.

JIM: (Gets it) Oh. (Sits there and looks at stuff) Are you getting back with Roy?

PAM: No, I'm not getting back with Roy.

JIM: (Gets stuff and starts walking away) Good, because that might interfere with your new career as a nun.

PAM: (Shocked) Jim! Please wait!

JIM: (Shrugs) No, Pam, it's OK. I get it. You were set up by my uncle and your father to see if I'm actually going crazy. I thought I could trust you, Pam. Now I see that I can't. So… later.

**[NO ACT IV. SEE NOTE AFTER ACT II.**

**ACT V**

**THE SCENARIO**: Everyone has died except Jim. Michael is talking to Jim as he's dying.

MICHAEL: (Crying) Oh Jim… you were going to be a great king.

JIM: Michael, seriously, don't cry. It's not that bad. I'm just dying because Laertes is a jerk and stabbed me with a poisoned sword.

MICHAEL: Yeah, but I kind of hoped that you would rule Denmark… and I could be Assistant to the Prince of Denmark.

JIM: Yeah. (Dies)

(ENTER FORTINBRAS – ANDY.)

ANDY: (Hollers) All right, Hamlet! We could do this the easy way, which is you surrendering, or we could do this the hard way, which is killing you. Either way, Andy wins.

MICHAEL: Well, it's too late. Everyone in the royal family is dead.

ANDY: Whoa. Seriously? How?

MICHAEL: Well, Claudius married Jan. Then Pam dumped Jim and they both went loopy, then Pam's brother came and dueled Jim and now everyone's dead.

ANDY: Whoa. (Looks around and realizes no one is going to fight him) The Andrewnator strikes again! (Starts dancing) Oh yeah, go Andy! It's my birthday! I got Denmark and avenge my father! (Starts flexing biceps) I'm the BOMB! (Sits on throne) Hey, Michael, come crown me.

MICHAEL: (Sadly) OK.

ANDY: But do it slowly for dramatic affect.

MICHAEL: (Sighs) All righty then. (Lowers crown slowly as Andy hums the theme song to "Rocky." Andy sings louder as the crown gets closer.) Oh God, this is humiliating. Maybe I'll move to France. The French never lose or surrender. (Crown arrives on Andy's head.)

ANDY: Boo-yah! I now own Scranton! Thank God I don't have a tragic flaw!


End file.
